Sunday, July 5, 2009

Refresher on Terms and Conditions Surrounding Sleeping in My Bed

To: Bruschi and Kodi
From: Colleen
Re: Refresher on the terms and conditions surrounding sleeping in my bed
Date: July 5, 2009

1. Amount of space you are allowed in the bed is proportionate to your weight and height. You can not take up more room than me. Stretching out from limb to limb and laying diagonal will not fool me into thinking you need more space. This will only earn you the title "bed hog."

2. I will require my pillow back when I return from the bathroom. You can keep it warm for me, but do not pretend to be in a deep sleep, and unable to wake up when I ask for it back. I will wake you up.

3. We sleep UNDER the covers. Sleeping on top of them, anchoring them down is not helpful. I understand you might get hot during the night, but remember, I do not wear fur to bed like you do, and therefore need unrestricted access to the covers.

4. Spooning together is OK. Sleeping on my head is not.

5. I brush my teeth before I go to bed out of good hygiene practices and respect for others that sleep with me, including you. Please do the same. If you forget, we will not be able to sleep face-to-face.

6. I still have to get up in the morning, even if you lay on top of my legs like dead weight. This does not make it any easier for me to get out of bed to go make a living, so that you can continue to enjoy the pampered life you lead.

7. Your tail often betrays you. When your body is completely still, but your tail is moving, I know you are awake and only pretending to be asleep so that you think you don't have to shift positions or get out of bed. I'm on to you. You can't fool me.

And, lastly:

8. This is my bed (key words being "my" bed). Do not fight me for space. And do not groan if I shift you over so that I don't fall off the edge. Remember, I feed you.


Jason said...


#1 will be proven wrong once your little one joins you. I do not feel bad waking up a dog to move them but doing that to a lil' one, not so much.

It is going to be a full bed with the whole family under the covers.

Mr. Puggle said...

how funny! good one! and SO true!

Megan said...

Colleen...that is priceless. The sleeping on the head thing is SO correct (get that more sleeping on my head when I'm watching you). And can these transfer over to the dogsitter? I think you should add something about Don't follow me to the bathroom only to trip me coming out so you can get back to the bed first. That's happened one too many times.